It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

It's a little crazy how stress manifests.
At the end of last week, I submitted something that I've been working on for the past little while. The thing that made me lock myself in my office (because I needed to bubble), skip meals (because I didn't feel like I had the time to walk down one flight of stairs to the microwave), consider taking a cab home (because it was 2am, and dark, and cold outside), and so much more. But I did it. I pushed myself, and I did it. I mean, who knows what will come of it, but I did it and it's a start.
And last weekend, another big project finished up. Something that again, I wasn't sure if I should take on. That pushed me to the brink. But it's done. And I was able to fly back before the flights started to get delayed and cancelled.
And when I went in to work on Monday morning, I was a different person.
It's crazy what stress does.
I took two days off this week. They were my "weekend" since I'm going to be away this weekend again and won't get time to rest. And it's done wonders. Having a day or two of rest a week is so important.
On my days off, I washed dishes. I went grocery shopping. I went to the mall. I walked outside and breathed.

This journey that I've been on this past little while has been more difficult than I had imagined. It's so cliche to say that I'm learning a lot about myself, but I am. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to adjust (personally and professionally) and sometimes I worry that I won't. I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of life, who I am, and what I value.

And life itself. Mortality. I'm coming to terms with the fact that as time goes on, well, people will not. And it'll be more and more prevalent. I feel like I know of more losses in the past little while than I have before. And I imagine they won't stop.

I've gotten a lot of advice from different people. Some of it has helped, and others have made me fret even more. I know I need to be patient, but on the other hand, I don't want to keep putting things of hold for another year, or three years, or five years. I'm ready to live. Now.

This seems like a somber post, and I apologize. This blog is interesting because it's an outlet. An outlet for random thoughts. An outlet to share my adventures. It's safe (which it probably isn't, because it's the internet). But it's been good at times to get things out. And by that, I mean out of me, not out for consumption. I know that there are a couple people who still read this blog from time to time, and although I think I started writing for others, I think it's benefited me even more. There's a post that I wrote a little while ago that I didn't end up posting. It's still saved, but I wasn't sure if I wanted it in the public domain. Is the act of writing cathartic enough? I'm not good at being vulnerable or showing, what I believe will be perceived as weakness. But I'm learning. I mean, some of these posts are my attempt to let go a little bit more, but it's still nice to keep the facade. The facade has its benefits.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say that I hope my roller coaster is back on an uphill climb. Last weekend, I bumped into a couple people I hadn't seen for awhile and it was great. It was nice to tell someone a little bit removed about how things are going. To get their take on things and for them to share similar experiences.

Today, I received some snail mail. And today, I went shopping - and bought things! And today, I watched Grey's Anatomy and reminisced on the first episode I watched - the one where there' s a bomb in someone's body and Meredith's got her hand on it and if she moves, it'll blow up. I remember sitting with a colleague and bunch of my students, crowded onto a bed in a hotel room in Tunisia, watching the show on a student's laptop. I remember laughing about how ridiculous the show was and my students and colleague shushing me because I was ruining the moment. It was a lovely memory from my lovely life.

The life that I continue to live. And today, I'm feeling good.