Ramblings (April 29, 2021)

What to say. I am definitely feeling pandemic fatigue. While I certainly am privileged to be in a low-risk household, be able to work from home, have a stable and comfortable income, and have access to a vaccine (I got my first Pfizer shot yesterday), living through a pandemic isn't terribly enjoyable. I am doing my best to follow the government mandated guidelines and thus do not have the interactions, distractions, and stimulation that, even as the introvert that I am, turns out I appreciate. Anyway, nothing to be done about it. Just doing my part and hoping that things will evolve for the better.

I am not so motivated to be active, which kind of sucks. It's gone in waves (like a lot of things). There were a couple stints of regular activity, including youtube videos and scheduled exercise routines. Since I've moved back into my own place, I haven't felt keen on doing anything and haven't forced myself to do it (which just might be the only way to ensure that something happens at this point). I tried to do a couple longer walks and regular trips to the grocery store is another way I get out and walk. I even did a little bit of stairs in my building (a little limited though given that we only have access to certain floors in our building). For a couple weeks, I've gone for (a) bike ride(s) on the weekend. I often hope that once I'm out and about, I feel better and am glad that I got going, but it doesn't always end up that way (which is tough, because then there really isn't that payoff that you hope to get). I like moving and I think I've always been relatively active, so this feels different. Admittedly, a lot of my activities have been scheduled (e.g., classes) so there's some accountability or added incentive in terms of the cost and commitment, but I still would have thought that any activities would feel good. So it's a little disappointing that I'm not getting the (endorphin) kick that I would have expected. I suppose there will always be things in life that you don't necessarily enjoy, but you still (need to) do them.

I have been thinking about that recently. How much in my life will I need to take action? Do something that I don't particularly feel like doing. Take risks (or what feel like risks to me). Push myself out of my comfort zone. I've been reflecting on that because I feel that up to recently, things have been going ok. I'm sure in my life thus far, I'd done things all of the above. But I am currently at a place in my life that I'm not loving life as much as I used to. So, (in adult life) does the balance change in terms of the amount of 'the stuff above' that you need to do to maintain the same 'love of life'? While life wouldn't always be a cake-walk and nothing's perfect, I'm having a hard time figuring out whether I need to (force myself to) step up more (than I want to), or that there's something else in my current like that I can change that will make the difference that I'm hoping for.

I'm going to change the topic now.

I've been passing the time by watching TV shows (and then often falling down the youtube rabbit hole to watch featurettes, cast interviews, and panels). In addition to whatever shows that I've kind of been keeping up with whenever they're available to be streamed on TV provider's websites (e.g., Grey's Anatomy, Law and Order SVU, Big Brother, Survivor), I had started watching Fresh off the Boat (even before the pandemic started and was just waiting on the final season), Cheer, The Good Place, Chef's Table - Volume 1, Never Have I Ever, Schitt's Creek, Black-ish (although now I just have to wait), Mixed-ish (again, just have to wait), Grown-ish (although, it's my least favourite of the 'ish' world and I'm not sure I will continue with it), Kim's Convenience, and most recently, Superstore. There might have been others that I can't seem to remember anymore. Anyway, I need to find a new show. I had watched some full-length films towards the beginning of the pandemic, but I'm finding the length of them to be too much of a mental commitment for me right now. That doesn't mean that I haven't watched 3-5 episodes of shows back to back though. Somehow the shorter burst are just easier for me to take in right now. I also found that I was more interested in watching films that were comedies or generally, lighter content. Seems the same for my TV shows.

After watching the trailer for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, which I'm kind of excited to watch that when it comes out (#representationmatters - but more about that later), I was thinking that I could go through the Marvel Comic Universe films from the beginning in preparation. I've only watched 3 or 4 films from the list so I'm clearly not big follower/fan, but I think it might be a fun activity. I like action films, I like big blockbusters, watching them in relatively close succession might be fun to try to look for Easter Eggs or make whatever rudimentary connections I can not really knowing much about anything. I'm not sure that I will watch all of the films, but got recommendations from friends who know and might instead work my way through their curated list. We'll see how it goes.

In addition to the brain fog from the pandemic, I have brain fog from attending to race, equity, identity (and whatever other words fit - I'm still working on my vocabulary). Though it's been building for a couple years now (I mean, realistically, it's probably been brewing for my entire life, but the past 6 years saw some intense acceleration), this year (I follow the academic calendar, not the Gregorian calendar), I've had the time and space to engage with these issues more explicitly and meaningfully. Some times are really great (a weak word, but I'm not sure what would make the most sense here - again, I'm still working on my vocabulary and identifying emotions), other times have been quite difficult and overwhelming. As a result of life and world events, I'm getting an extra influx of ____ (media, attention, resources, etc.). It's a work in progress. But through that, I've consciously realized that (here's the connection to the above) #representationmatters (to me), so am keen to find ____ (TV shows, films, media, etc.) to engage with that will fill that need. And I am now conscious of why I got excited about the animated film Mulan and Michelle Kwan back in the day. And more recently, when jumping on the Raptor bandwagon, getting particularly excited when Jeremy Lin got on the court (I know I missed Linsanity). So yeah, I'm excited for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. 

And even looking at my list of TV shows that I've recently taken up indicates that I'm _____ (craving? interested in? excited for?) options with people of colour. And I'm always connecting more dots. When going through the full catalogue to create my short-list of films to watch at festivals, films about identity seemed to come up. I remember the first time that it came up as a key word when I was going through my short list and didn't quite understand what it meant and was perplexed as to why it seemed to be a pattern for me. But it does make sense. Turns out, I've been grappling with my identity for well, I guess it would have to be my lifetime (consciously or not, and actively or not). And if I think back and reflect on my life, it really has been a common thread. One of the last times that I spoke with a therapist, she had commented on this theme. In particular, she spoke about my tension of being a first generation Canadian, and daughter of East Asian immigrants. So race and gender of course factor into my experience and my journey to clarify my identity and place in the world.

I think I'll stop there.

Lays Chips Roasted Bree Milk Tea Flavour

Here's another one for you. The English label on the bag says "Roasted Bree Milk Tea Flavour", but the picture and a little bit of googling makes me think that it's crème brûlée. I like crème brûlée. I actually like it a lot. Crème brûlée and milk tea...I'm not so sure about. Also, given the outcome of the other chips that I recently tried, I'm a little worried. But I feel like snacking so here goes.

Shoving my nose into the bag, it smells sweet. Caramel-ish? It doesn't smell bad. I would eat a dessert that smelled like that. But this is a chip. Maybe I'm thrown off because I've been conditioned to think that chips are salty. And then I have to contend with these two bags.

The flavour...what the heck is this? It's not offensive, so that's good. Similar to the other bag, it doesn't taste how it smells. This one has a very mild taste, but yet again, I can't place it. There's a strange mouth feel - bitter (maybe the tea)? No, that's not it. Metallic? Chemically? Something that's coating the tongue? It's very bizarre.

They're not horrendous though, am I'm still eating them. I don't think they're as good as the classic North American flavours (actually, and the British flavours that I sampled), but it's hard to say if that's a sweet versus salty influence. Are there potato items that are sweet? Maybe I'm just not used to the sweet and potato combination.

I'll finish this bag. It's sort of hitting the spot. I don't think it tastes like crème brûlée and/or milk tea in particular, but how many chip flavours actually taste like what they're supposed to be if you think about it. Or, I could just have a weak palate. I think these are kind of salty, actually. And there definitely is a flavour to them. I think I'm getting that earthy 'tea' flavour as an aftertaste. I suppose the sweet-ish flavour I'm initially getting is the "bree" or crème brûlée? It's just not totally coming through.

I'd say, try this one. And see if you can figure out the flavour. I mean, I'd say try the other one too, because I think it's worth trying everything, but this one, at least I can enjoy.

Lays Chips Iced Coffee Oolong Milk Tea Flavour

I like exploring. I was exploring cheese for awhile (I'd still like to keep exploring cheeses), but the fact that I can explore chip flavours such as this kind of shows the difference in what's accessible and available to me now. I mean, I definitely didn't explore as much as I could have for the past 6 years, but I did explore in some ways but I'm skeptical that even if I'd put forth more effort, I would have come across these chips.

Anyway, the English label (I'm illiterate in Chinese) that was added on the chip bag indicates that these are Iced Coffee Oolong Milk Tea Flavour. Before I saw the label, I wondered if it was grass jelly (because of the jelly cubes in the bowl), but I guess not. Do people put coffee and tea together? Is that a thing?

I don't know if I've had coffee flavoured, or tea flavoured chips before. I'm assuming that they will be sort of sweet? I don't know if I've had sweet chips before.

Ok. Well, that was weird. I just opened the bag, and was immediately hit with a coffee smell...maybe with a dash of tea (?!?), but definitely coffee. The chips...they taste like nothing I've ever had before. They don't taste like coffee. They don't taste like tea. They don't taste like the smell that I got when I opened the bag (in fact, when I shove my nose back into the bag that initial coffee smell is gone). They have a sweet taste. Kind of caramel-ish? They are pretty crunchy. Like, maybe more crunchy that regular chips? It's almost like they feel thicker? Maybe I'm just making that up.

So the bag's been sitting here for awhile (I was just facetiming with a friend for the past hour). And I haven't been tempted to continue eating them (which is a big deal, because usually when I open a bag of chips, I eat the whole bag in one sitting). The smell had kind of settled to a Coffee Crisp-type of scent (which I guess sort of fits). I just ate another chip. And it's still a weird taste that doesn't match the smell. There's definitely an aftertaste in my mouth, which could be tea-ish. I mean, it's sort of earthy?

Needless to say, I'm not terribly impressed with these chips. I definitely wouldn't get them again. They are...curious.