Helsinki (July 26-Aug 2, 2026)

I'm at the point where it's been about 20 years since I've been to wherever I'm travelling. It's a weird combination of something feeling so recent yet being a lifetime ago. 

There have been a couple trips recently where nothing felt familiar. I was desperately hoping for a glimmer of recognition, but it often didn't come. And something about that felt really sad.

I had a couple moments of recognition on this trip (particularly, when I saw the Esplanadi and thought the facing shops - although many of them have moved locations - and the Marimekko fashion show that I stumbled upon). It literally was just over 20 years ago that I was there.

Anyway, some things that stuck out to me this time:

• If you are with a baby and stroller, it is free for you to ride the rail service
• They don't (need to) chain up tables/chairs on outdoor patios overnight
• Everyone seems to have a Marimekko tote bag
• Lots of lactose-free products because the Finnish don't understand why you need to suffer through bloating 
• So many second-hand clothing stores...and I don't mean the 'vintage' kind. 
• Very sustainability-conscious (e.g., see point above)

Random ramblings

I'm plugging away, I think making some good progress on living, in terms of being and knowing me. Moments where I'm feeling proud of where I'm at, noticing some differences, also still recognizing and being aware of other niggly things. Basically, being human. I think even my ability to acknowledge that is a good thing.

I'm trying to tune in to things that give me joy. To notice it and give it attention and worth. To try to actively to things that give me joy. I was recently reminded that going to grocery stores give me joy. This particular (fancy-ish or artisanal) store reminded me that I like to look at fancy jams and jellies. Fancy oils and vinegars. That nice packaging and labels have an impact on me. And that when I travel, I will continue to visit grocery stores and perhaps picking up something to add to my pantry (of course, within carry-on luggage allowances!) might be something to do.

My dad recently started (radiation) treatment for cancer. (Everything seems to be going ok.) Today, the patient after my dad was wearing an orange jumpsuit, had restraints on their wrists and ankles, and accompanied by two individuals that I would assume are workers in Correctional Services. The individual was chatting with the medical practitioner as they were walking by. I had so many thoughts running through my head. Today already felt like a day where my emotions were feeling quite large, so maybe that had something to do with it, but that particular moment made my mind race and my emotions rise. I have no judgment about it (definitely with respect to the situation, and with respect to my reaction, I'm just letting myself be 'human' and reflecting on it). For some reason, I just felt documenting it in some way.

TSO concert and musings

I haven't been to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra (TSO) in probably over a decade. Do they now play the national anthem at the beginning of every performance? I wasn't expecting it and I couldn't find anything written about it on their website or in the programme so it threw me for a loop when the conductor came out and then immediately cued up the orchestra to stand and start playing. And then the audience scrambling to get to their seats a measure or so in. I mean, it was lovely to hear the piece beautifully played, but I did think through the logistics of this. Anyway, something to consider.

At some point during the concert, I also starting thinking about the learned etiquette or culture of (classical music) performances. Knowing that applause is reserved for the end of a piece (as opposed to, for example, the end of each movement of a concerto). That a standing ovation seems to be common practice for soloists and at the end of a concert. I don't think I'm knowledgeable and experienced enough to know if they are always warranted, but I'm also not making any statements about the quality of this particular performance. But I do also wonder the typical knowledge base of audience members and would assume that while there would be folks who are knowledgeable/experienced enough to make an appropriate judgment, there are others who don't. I can imagine there are folks that are also follow the crowd's response. And do soloists always come prepared with pieces for encores - is this now a standard expectation and/or part of the culture? Does it come hand in hand with the standing ovation phenomenon? Are audiences trying to get more bang for their buck? 

I started thinking about the accessibility of such performances. Who attends these concerts? What is the demographic? How do parents introduce their children to classical music and/or this etiquette/culture? What efforts to organizations take on this front? (I remember taking a field trip to Roy Thompson Hall - including being encouraged/allowed to play a Bach piece on their organ; I remember getting handouts and activities targeted to kids from a performance; I remember benefiting from TSOUNDCHECK.) I know that my parents were very deliberate with the experiences that I was afforded as a child. And the literal investment that it entailed. I am so grateful.

I started thinking about what I would do to if introducing someone to their 'world'. I started thinking about the benefits of sitting in different areas of the concert hall and what might be more/less visible. (Note: if I go to a concert with a pianist, I have a preferred sitting location.) 

I had forgotten about the amount of stars that exist in Roy Thompson Hall. The expedition to the women's washroom was enlightening (they are plentiful, but a set up that is not necessarily intuitive). 

Anyway, can you tell that I can have an active mind and that, while the performance itself was enjoyable, my mind still wandered to various places? 

Here are the concert details from the TSO website (pasting here because who knows if the actual page will disappear after the season is over). 

*** 

Eva Ollikainen and acclaimed pianist Mao Fujita bring the full range of emotion to Brahms’s stormy Piano Concerto No. 1, followed by Stravinsky’s The Firebird, a spellbinding work that bursts with vivid orchestral colours, transporting listeners to a fantastical realm of daring heroes, enchanted princesses, and otherworldly magic.

Eva Ollikainen, conductor
Mao Fujita, piano

Brahms: Piano Concerto No. 1
Arvo Pärt: Symphony No. 1 “Polyphonic”
Stravinsky: Suite from The Firebird (1919 revision)

 

A weekend in Montreal

 Within the past two months, I've spent two weekends here in Montreal. That's the most weekend time I've spent here since 2020.

This weekend, I did some things in the city that gave/give me joy. I just tried to enjoy the city. And I tried to live in the moment and take it in. Sounds like a good way to go through life in general, but it's taken me a bit to be able to do that here, and it's still a work in progress. Don't get me wrong, Montreal has a lot of things going for it, but I have to reframe some significant experiences.

Anyway, I went to Jean Talon market today. And instead of hopping on the STM, which would have been my regular practice, I walked there. The walk is very reasonable and only discovered when a couple weeks ago, I had some friends come to visit creating a couple positive memories for me. This is what I need here. In addition to a night in Old Montreal, we also met up in Little Italy and I'd made my way home by foot. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but meeting up with them those two nights and being 'out' in the city more than I usually would was really therapeutic for me.

So I walked, I wandered, and I looked at people, nature, and the city. I picked up some items from Marché Oriental and then headed over to Jean Talon. Noticing changes and what remained constant. I meandered through, looking for the best 'deals'. I contemplated my shopping list and what the rest of the day and week might hold.

As I have often done, I bought two cheeses from La Fromagerie Hamel - a hard and a soft.

1. Laliberte - Laliberté est un fromage triple crème fait de lait de vache pasteurisé et de crème. Sa belle croûte fleurie renferme une pâte fondante aux arômes exquis de champignons à la crème. Son nom est emprunté à celui du sculpteur Alfred Laliberté, né à Ste-Elizabeth-de-Warwick.

2. Alfred fermier - Ce fromage porte fièrement le nom de notre ancêtre, Alfred (le fermier) Bolduc. Il s’agit d’un fromage fermier, au lait cru biologique de vache, à pâte pressée cuite, affiné sur planches de bois. Sa croûte jaune orangée dégage une agréable odeur boisée. Il se démarque particulièrement par sa texture souple et la complexité de ses arômes de fruits, de caramel et de miel.

And I enjoyed both with a baguette and des tomates and continue to have a good day.

Little wins

Today, I got some ice cream. I even got it in a waffle cone. Roasted white chocolate and it's yummy. 

I also went to the public library to work. I haven't done that since early 2020.

Five Little Indians

 Five Little Indians, by Michelle Good.

I just finished reading this book. It's one of the best books I've read in awhile. I mean, I know I don't read a lot, but this one stands out. I woke up at 2.45am, for some reason, unable to sleep. I haven't been sleeping too well recently. Anyway, I was about 3/4 done this book and thought that this might be a good time to finish it.

Some of the earlier chapters were tough. But important. There were chapters that seemed hopeful. I'm glad.

Everyone should read this book. Or at least, know about our history and its implications.

The book is about residential schools and their survivors. It is about family and community. It is about trauma and inter-generational trauma. There is substance abuse, sexual assault, and suicide. 

Related, but by no means a comparison to communities who are deeply affected and effected by residential schools, I'm reflecting on the difference between trauma and discomfort. I think of people who get uncomfortable and mistake it for trauma. I absolutely believe trauma to be real (I surely live with it, and thankfully on a much smaller scale than others), but feel ______ (still working on identifying my emotions) about those who aren't willing to sit with their discomfort. To unpack it. To turn the attention inwards.

Changing topics again (maybe this is what happens when you can't sleep), I have been trying to read again. I'm trying to be intentional in my reading. My recent books were:
- The Reason You Walk, by Wab Kinew
- Interior Chinatown, by Charles Yu
- Klara and the Sun, by Kazuo Ishiguro

Up next will be Motorcycles & Sweetgrass, by Drew Hayden Taylor. I had actually watched this video a couple years ago and didn't put two and two together until I was doing a little digging with regards to my booklist.

- picture courtesy of www.chapters.indigo.ca

"Can I charge my therapy to the university?" and other 'fun' titles

Never did a Table of Contents feel like my truth.

I'm hesitant to read the book for fear that it will re-traumatize me. It's a tough balance between reaffirming that I am not alone and self-preservation. I know that there's tons of literature about this topic for me to consume (I've only skimmed the surface in my efforts, and that has already taken me through a range of emotions)...I have to pace myself.

Upcycling a paper carrier bag

I really appreciated seeing the process of putting together this bag. Lots of respect for all the artisans out there.

Created by Hahns Atelier.

A poem for me to remember

 Someone sent this to me recently. I'm posting it here in case I need to look it up at some point.

Give your daughters difficult names. Names that command the full use of the tongue. My name makes you want to tell me the truth. My name does not allow me to trust anyone who cannot pronounce it right.
      —Warsan Shire

Ramblings (April 29, 2021)

What to say. I am definitely feeling pandemic fatigue. While I certainly am privileged to be in a low-risk household, be able to work from home, have a stable and comfortable income, and have access to a vaccine (I got my first Pfizer shot yesterday), living through a pandemic isn't terribly enjoyable. I am doing my best to follow the government mandated guidelines and thus do not have the interactions, distractions, and stimulation that, even as the introvert that I am, turns out I appreciate. Anyway, nothing to be done about it. Just doing my part and hoping that things will evolve for the better.

I am not so motivated to be active, which kind of sucks. It's gone in waves (like a lot of things). There were a couple stints of regular activity, including youtube videos and scheduled exercise routines. Since I've moved back into my own place, I haven't felt keen on doing anything and haven't forced myself to do it (which just might be the only way to ensure that something happens at this point). I tried to do a couple longer walks and regular trips to the grocery store is another way I get out and walk. I even did a little bit of stairs in my building (a little limited though given that we only have access to certain floors in our building). For a couple weeks, I've gone for (a) bike ride(s) on the weekend. I often hope that once I'm out and about, I feel better and am glad that I got going, but it doesn't always end up that way (which is tough, because then there really isn't that payoff that you hope to get). I like moving and I think I've always been relatively active, so this feels different. Admittedly, a lot of my activities have been scheduled (e.g., classes) so there's some accountability or added incentive in terms of the cost and commitment, but I still would have thought that any activities would feel good. So it's a little disappointing that I'm not getting the (endorphin) kick that I would have expected. I suppose there will always be things in life that you don't necessarily enjoy, but you still (need to) do them.

I have been thinking about that recently. How much in my life will I need to take action? Do something that I don't particularly feel like doing. Take risks (or what feel like risks to me). Push myself out of my comfort zone. I've been reflecting on that because I feel that up to recently, things have been going ok. I'm sure in my life thus far, I'd done things all of the above. But I am currently at a place in my life that I'm not loving life as much as I used to. So, (in adult life) does the balance change in terms of the amount of 'the stuff above' that you need to do to maintain the same 'love of life'? While life wouldn't always be a cake-walk and nothing's perfect, I'm having a hard time figuring out whether I need to (force myself to) step up more (than I want to), or that there's something else in my current like that I can change that will make the difference that I'm hoping for.

I'm going to change the topic now.

I've been passing the time by watching TV shows (and then often falling down the youtube rabbit hole to watch featurettes, cast interviews, and panels). In addition to whatever shows that I've kind of been keeping up with whenever they're available to be streamed on TV provider's websites (e.g., Grey's Anatomy, Law and Order SVU, Big Brother, Survivor), I had started watching Fresh off the Boat (even before the pandemic started and was just waiting on the final season), Cheer, The Good Place, Chef's Table - Volume 1, Never Have I Ever, Schitt's Creek, Black-ish (although now I just have to wait), Mixed-ish (again, just have to wait), Grown-ish (although, it's my least favourite of the 'ish' world and I'm not sure I will continue with it), Kim's Convenience, and most recently, Superstore. There might have been others that I can't seem to remember anymore. Anyway, I need to find a new show. I had watched some full-length films towards the beginning of the pandemic, but I'm finding the length of them to be too much of a mental commitment for me right now. That doesn't mean that I haven't watched 3-5 episodes of shows back to back though. Somehow the shorter burst are just easier for me to take in right now. I also found that I was more interested in watching films that were comedies or generally, lighter content. Seems the same for my TV shows.

After watching the trailer for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, which I'm kind of excited to watch that when it comes out (#representationmatters - but more about that later), I was thinking that I could go through the Marvel Comic Universe films from the beginning in preparation. I've only watched 3 or 4 films from the list so I'm clearly not big follower/fan, but I think it might be a fun activity. I like action films, I like big blockbusters, watching them in relatively close succession might be fun to try to look for Easter Eggs or make whatever rudimentary connections I can not really knowing much about anything. I'm not sure that I will watch all of the films, but got recommendations from friends who know and might instead work my way through their curated list. We'll see how it goes.

In addition to the brain fog from the pandemic, I have brain fog from attending to race, equity, identity (and whatever other words fit - I'm still working on my vocabulary). Though it's been building for a couple years now (I mean, realistically, it's probably been brewing for my entire life, but the past 6 years saw some intense acceleration), this year (I follow the academic calendar, not the Gregorian calendar), I've had the time and space to engage with these issues more explicitly and meaningfully. Some times are really great (a weak word, but I'm not sure what would make the most sense here - again, I'm still working on my vocabulary and identifying emotions), other times have been quite difficult and overwhelming. As a result of life and world events, I'm getting an extra influx of ____ (media, attention, resources, etc.). It's a work in progress. But through that, I've consciously realized that (here's the connection to the above) #representationmatters (to me), so am keen to find ____ (TV shows, films, media, etc.) to engage with that will fill that need. And I am now conscious of why I got excited about the animated film Mulan and Michelle Kwan back in the day. And more recently, when jumping on the Raptor bandwagon, getting particularly excited when Jeremy Lin got on the court (I know I missed Linsanity). So yeah, I'm excited for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. 

And even looking at my list of TV shows that I've recently taken up indicates that I'm _____ (craving? interested in? excited for?) options with people of colour. And I'm always connecting more dots. When going through the full catalogue to create my short-list of films to watch at festivals, films about identity seemed to come up. I remember the first time that it came up as a key word when I was going through my short list and didn't quite understand what it meant and was perplexed as to why it seemed to be a pattern for me. But it does make sense. Turns out, I've been grappling with my identity for well, I guess it would have to be my lifetime (consciously or not, and actively or not). And if I think back and reflect on my life, it really has been a common thread. One of the last times that I spoke with a therapist, she had commented on this theme. In particular, she spoke about my tension of being a first generation Canadian, and daughter of East Asian immigrants. So race and gender of course factor into my experience and my journey to clarify my identity and place in the world.

I think I'll stop there.

March 30, 2021

 I live in a pocket of very tall buildings. There are a lot more buildings than there were the last time I lived here and at the time, I felt like there wasn't much in the way of restaurants and shops. And still a lot of empty lots that I knew would eventually become really tall buildings. It wasn't an issue though, because I had a Metropass and happily took public transportation here and there, even hopping on the streetcar for a stop or two, because, why not?

Now, most of those empty lots are filled, and as I said recently, it feels like a completely different space.

Maybe there actually is more stuff then there was before, but when walking around this morning, there seemed to be quite a lot. It requires a 10-15 minute walk past a bunch of tall buildings, but there is actually a lot more than I thought there was. In my head, that 10 minute walk is such a barrier, but I think I'm the barrier. It's not as bad as I think, and I just need to get over myself and get out there. It's easy for me to get comfortable in my abode and now go out. And somehow it seems even more onerous to have to ride an elevator to get out of my place as opposed to just opening the front door.

Even places to get groceries that I had thought were just a little too far for my liking are actually equidistant to the set up that I has been doing for the past 6 years. Sure, most of that time was taking the bus, but during the pandemic, I was walking and it wasn't that bad. It actually felt nice to go. I was also the spring and summer, so that probably helped, but the point is that I was doing it regularly and it wasn't "too out of the way" then, so it shouldn't be too out of the way now. 

I've said that I feel like I'm re-learning. But this time around (and it's been a theme that's taken over the past 5 years or so) it's like I'm trying to get over a fear. I'm not sure that fear is the right word, but it's on the side of hesitancy, or trepidation. I'm still not great at identifying emotions. But I can identify that it's a different feeling than how I used to feel. I used to feel like a curious and wondrous explorer. There have been many times over the past 6 years that I've said "I used to be". And I wonder, am I a different person? (I mean, yes, of course, I'm different. Time's passed, I have to have changed.) But, have I lost certain characteristics that I felt were core to my identity, and characteristics that I valued and appreciated? Or, if I've just been shaken up a little bit, will those characteristics come back? I don't think it's that I'm living in the past. I'm absolutely nostalgic (I've had a great life!) and think fondly about different stages of my life. It's not necessarily that I want to go back to a previous time (although, I want to sit with that thought for a bit more and unpack it), but that I want to hold on to some things. Yes, I miss having that jet set lifestyle I had when I first started this blog, but as much as I'd love to have a lot of that 'life' right now, I actually don't want to have that life now and forever. But I want the parts of me and some of those feelings/emotions that I had. I'm just using that as an example, but there really are personal attributes that I felt like were me and they seem a little less (I want to remain positive, so I will assume they're still there) prevalent. But there are times that I truly wonder. They don't feel accessible. And at time that I think they would resurface, or with certain efforts to try to get there...it just doesn't happen. People have told me I'm still me. They're still there. It'll just take some time. It'll come. I want to believe, but maybe people actually do change and I'm changed. Maybe this is my new reality and I just need to accept it? Anyway, we'll see what happens.

Also, how do people meet new people? Can/does it happen just out and about? Today, when I was walking, someone just stopped me and said 'hello'. They tried to strike up a conversation, albeit (in my interpretation), rather awkwardly. It concluded with a suggestion to grab a coffee. I declined. There were many thoughts going on through my mind. I thought about the fact that my plan was to get home so that I could get work done. It's a weekday, and I try to work on weekdays. But, technically, I didn't have a meeting until much later in the day and there was nothing urgent that I didn't to get to. So, was I being reasonable (with myself) in saying that work was stopping me from saying yes? I thought about the fact that it's a pandemic and that gathering with people for coffee might not be ideal. But technically, it was just one other person and we could have sat outside. So, was I being reasonable (with myself) in saying that the pandemic was stopping me from saying yes? I know (as a fact) that I've been so well trained to be skeptical (that's actually putting it mildly) of strangers, which is related to the fact that I'm a woman, and even more heightened by the fact that the stranger was a man. So, was I being reasonable (with myself) in saying that them being a stranger kept me from saying yes? Yet, meeting a new person and making a connection are both things that intrigue me. I'm going to think about it a little bit more.

Relatedly, saying "yes" is something I've thought about as well. Yes day, week of yes, month of yes, year of yes...is this reasonable and realistic? Can their be rules, guidelines, and/or boundaries to this? Or does that defeat the purpose? I suppose it's important to first identify the purpose. I'm going to think about this a little bit more as well.

March 23, 2021

 I just came back from a walk. I haven't been out a lot recently - it just hasn't been a priority. But I'm trying to make it one. As I continue to re-familiarize myself with my surroundings, I'm trying to take different paths (even if going to the same place). I tend to do that anyway (I think I get bored with the same scenery, or put with a positive spin, I'm interested in exploring), but I'm hoping that the more ground I cover, the more settled I'll feel.

I am looking around a lot as I walk. I think more than most people do. I wonder if people notice. Do they wonder why, instead of looking ahead, I'm looking all around. And not even just with my eyes, I know my whole head is moving. It could be that I look like a tourist, but I 'feel' like I've even more extreme. Like, tourists would stop, perhaps take pictures...whereas I'm still moving. Moving but constantly looking. And staring. I suppose I could stop, but I feel like I would be constantly stopping. In some ways I feel like a child. A child who is seeing things for the first time. And I suppose I am seeing a lot of things for the first time. They weren't there the last time I walked these streets. Or they look totally different with this pandemic light. But I feel that I'm not behaving in the socially/culturally accepted way. I am STARING. But I'm ok with that. I mean, I' am clearly thinking about it, but I'm gonna do me. And I'm ok with me.

I walked by a COVID-19 Vaccination Clinic today. It made me feel something (I'm still working on identifying my emotions, and more specifically, developing my vocabulary). I don't know what it looked like inside the building, but there were lines outside. Lines of elderly people. They could have been my grandparents (I wish I had grandparents). Or, actually, my parents (my dad got his first shot two weeks ago, and my mom was supposed to get her first this morning - I'll need to check how that went). Most, if not all of the folks were in pairs. Were they both getting their shots? Was one there for moral support? Was one a caregiver? Were they two people, but going through live together? Some seemed to provide physical support. Those taking slow and tentative steps. Those who needed a hand or an arm. The front-line staff went from person to person, confirming their appointment time...and asking if anyone needed a chair to sit on. Several folks in the line had chairs. Around the corner and down the stairs, was another line for accessible access. More folks with grey and white hair. More folks with stooped backs. More folks with masks. It made me feel a lot of feelings - thinking a lot about the past year. Thinking about the vaccinations that were going on in that building and all around the world. 

I read books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, etc. I watch TV, youtube, movies, etc. I listen to the radio, conversations, etc. But somehow when I see it, really just see it in front of me. That's when I feel the most feels.

A new chapter

 Coming up with a title for this post took more energy than expected. I decided to just write something and not put too much into it so that I could get to writing the post itself. At the end of the day, coming up with the "best" title probably isn't the most important thing. Coming up with a title that I can live with and getting to actually posting something is more important for me.

I had thought of starting to write/post/blog again in the fall. The fall had marked an "official" new chapter in my life and thought it might be a nice time to start back up again. But it didn't become a priority. Then I thought that January might be a good time to start again. A new year (if following the Gregorian calendar), so another way to mark a new beginning. But it still didn't become a priority. 

Then I kind of thought about March 13th as a date that I would try again. The date in 2020 that things in my world officially shut down due to the COIVD-19 pandemic. A year in and still going. So a date on which to reflect. 

And while the pandemic has been devastating in many ways, I am also grateful. For me, the pandemic resulted in a forced break and distance from some things that were having a very negative impact on me. Without the pandemic, I'm sure I would have managed (because that's just what would have happened), but I'm grateful for the intervention. It was a pause. A stop. An eject. Things had already boiled over, but I just kept going. And I already had some things in place for the fall that I was hoping would help, but getting some relief in March instead was much appreciated.

The initial isolation was fine, well, it was actually good. I rested. I started my recovery. Actually, I'm not sure if I was ready to recover yet, I think I was more at a place of just stopping the damage. The pandemic gave me (personally, and to others) the permission to prioritize myself. Well, it's true that perhaps before the pandemic, had I prioritized myself in my interactions with others, I may have been equally accepted, so it might have been more of a personal issue, but to some extent, I believe that personal dilemma was a result of social conditioning and external pressures. The shut down resulted in a change in my schedule. I also didn't have to face (literally) many of my triggers. And for the most part, I could choose when I wanted to engage. I want to pause here and say that I recognize my privilege and how fortunate I am/was to be in a situation where the pandemic led to these positive implications (including even having a job to begin with).

The pandemic also facilitated better social connections. Ironically, the pandemic led me to be more social. Reaching out to folks to see how they were doing led to setting up Zoom, Skype, Facetime, and Googlemeet chats. I have touched base more regularly with a friend who lives across the country and was a support even before this 6-year journey, but was literally there when I got the first official notification of the move. I have daily check-ins with a friend who has given me such understanding and reassurance during so many new experiences. I have monthly (virtual) get-togethers with a group whom I haven't regularly kept in touch with over the past 6 years. I have weekly get-togethers with a group whom I know will be there for me when I need them. And there are others. In reality, these connections could have been happening before the pandemic, but life just kind of goes the way it does, and again, I'm grateful that the pandemic stepped in to prompt them to occur. While part of me wonders how things would have unfolded if I had acted on these connections earlier, it doesn't matter because we're in the here and now, and I'm so grateful for where I am now. I hope that I continue to take the initiative to reach out and stay connected.

It's pretty clear that I wasn't in a great place for awhile. I'm better now, but I'm not really where I want to be. Pandemic aside, there are still a lot of unknowns about the future, and that's really unsettling for me. 

I've made some (what I feel are pretty significant) decisions that I hope will result in positive change. That being said, they are not decisions that I had wanted or expected to have to make in my life. And while I said earlier that no matter when, I will manage, I've never wanted to be the person who "manages", rather my personal expectation and assumption was to "thrive". What I envisioned "thriving" to look like, isn't really happening (or doesn't seem like a possibility). So we'll see how things will unfold.

It's kind of hard (for me) to revise what almost 40 years of an impression of what "thriving" looks like. But I'm moving forward. I have no choice. Something's happening. I'm trying to find my way. And I'm trying to find myself. From time to time, I notice differences. So those moments are reassuring. Other times can be tough. But generally speaking, I'm doing better. 

So here I am, in a different place (physically, emotionally, mentally...). We'll see what happens next. I'm taking things one day at a time, and learning to be kind to myself. It's/I'm a work in progress.

5 years of...something...

The past five years have been big. For SO many reasons that I can't get into at this point (e.g., not wanting to take the time, not having fully processed it all), and while it's been uncomfortable at times (and has had a direct impact on reducing the frequency of blog posts), I guess (optimism?!?) it's made me a better/strong/whatever person and regardless, it happened so I have to accept it.
I feel very fortunate to have grown up in Scarborough. It's a great city. I had a great childhood. I enjoyed my school experience. I enjoyed my social experience. I enjoyed my cultural experience. But it's only in the past five years that I wonder if it was too good. That it made me take things for granted. That it sheltered me from some realities.
Now, I did my undergrad in a very different context. And I lived in Europe for a couple years. Sure, I've had a idyllic life, but it's not like I've been in a total bubble.
I think I've been pretty Pollyanna to a lot of things. Naivity, optimism, superficial...not sure what to label it as, but there are many important issues that I'm aware of, but never seemed to internalize. Often if it didn't hit close to home, it was difficult for me to connect to.
That's not to say things haven't happened in my life. Especially explicitly yucky things. I have been called names. I have memories of interactions between my dad and random people on the street. Things that have hurt and have clearly stuck.
I don't know exactly how it all worked out. Was it becoming an adult? Was it the fact that issues are more discussed in public spheres? Was it moving to a different context? Was it academia?
Point is, I've been grappling with things that I never seemed to have grappled with and it's confusing. It's terrifying. It's uncomfortable. It's upsetting.
I wonder if I've been in denial thus far. I wonder if it's real. I wonder what I'm meant to do about it. I wonder how I'm supposed to cope.
I've done a lot of reading (and reflecting) on it all. In particular, today's post was spurred on by this article. But I don't to reduce it to just the messages in the article (I mean, I already have some privileges that others don't and thankfully don't experience things that others do). I'd want to link to so many articles, but also don't want those to be interpreted as the ones representing my dilemma. It's a much bigger thing that I'm vaguely discussing here that (to the extent that I've started writing many post like this in the past and then deleted them) I don't want to be misinterpreted (and I still fear that I will be). I don't have the language to articulate it. I often wonder if I don't fully know what I'm dealing with, but I'm perhaps (or, colleagues assure me) I do know, it's just that I might not be able to communicate about it in a way that I would like. Listen to your gut, they say. My problem is that I have self-doubt, am in denial, and/or .
I have colleagues who work in certain fields that have a particular and definite perspective about the thoughts that I share with them. I'm not sure if I fully agree with their world-views, but I can't ignore it. I want to take bits and pieces. It's complex. My interpretation of their views is that it's not. (Apologies. That's simplifying it too much - they definitely think it's complex, but the base of the situation seems straightforward.)
Anyway, I'm starting to loose steam. Not sure how to end this post. The doubt is creeping in. I don't want to seem like I'm blaming anyone/anything (although, I also feel the need to pinpoint the "problem" to help me make sense of it all). I don't want to point a finger. I need to be more courageous. Not be so scared to offend. I think for me, it's because I still feel like I'm processing it all that I don't know what kind of stand/message/voice I have.
So yeah. I guess that's that.

Airport security

I've traveled enough that going through security is pretty routine. I can be pretty efficient. While there are some things that are consistent no matter where you are, sometimes there are little differences between airports (e.g., taking off shoes, not having to put larger bags in bins). CDG caught me off guard. I didn't have to drink the water out of my 330mL water bottle nor did I need to take my laptop out of my bag. I actually had to ask to confirm that I heard correctly.
So it's not about technology. I can't wait until more airports have this.

An electric scooter near you

Los Angeles has 'em. Frankfurt has 'em. Paris has 'em. (Canada does not have 'em - no wait, Waterloo has 'em.)
It's pretty cool to see these scooters just on street corners, left on the sidewalk, randomly wherever. I know that they don't work until you've ordered one on the app, but my brain just sees them wonders what's stopping someone from just stealing it.
Anyway, it's pretty cool. And because they're so small, they just seem SO convenient. You don't have to worry about finding a parking spot or traffic or anything.

Lounge life - update

Ok, so it'll probably be 13 hours in the lounge...unless my flight gets delayed again.
Fun distraction though, Bernadette Peters is also here. I probably won't tell her how exited I was to see her in Hello, Dolly! and although she was great, I found the show itself pretty disappointing. I probably won't also say that I was also disappointed that I didn't get to see Bette Midler in the role.

Lounge life

(yes, I'm still here)

9 hours in an airport. Yay for delayed flights. Luckily, I have the privilege of using the AC lounge. Anyway, hoping to have a productive work day as a result (although, now that I'm into my 4th hour here, I could really go for a reclining chair or something for a wee nap). Time to have some edamame beans.

One-way street adventures

I live on a one-way street. But it's only been a one-way for the past two years. I haven't actually done the calculations, but I don't think that there's an insignificant number of people who drive the wrong way down the street. Does it not strike them as odd that all the cars parked on the side of the road are facing the other direction? The street isn't long enough that the cars couldn't realize where they've went wrong and turn around. Or, how many know exactly what they're doing and just don't care? It's also curious to watch the reactions of others watching these cars.
And here I am, perched on my balcony, looking down on the world (literally, and at times figuratively) watching it all unfold.

The power of music

It's incredible the affect that music can have.

Tonight, I attended Phénix, which was part of Complètement Cirque. When Stravinsky's Firebird started, I immediately got chills. It's just one or two notes, and I already know. 

Rachmininoff's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini gets to me every time as well. I usually get a chill, and then I start to tear up. I mean, number 18? C'mon.

There are many pieces of music that I associate with different memories and my reaction to them is related to my feelings about the experience, but some pieces of music are just so powerful that I cannot help but have a visceral reaction. Sometimes movie soundtracks are equally as effective.