I feel very fortunate to have grown up in Scarborough. It's a great city. I had a great childhood. I enjoyed my school experience. I enjoyed my social experience. I enjoyed my cultural experience. But it's only in the past five years that I wonder if it was too good. That it made me take things for granted. That it sheltered me from some realities.
Now, I did my undergrad in a very different context. And I lived in Europe for a couple years. Sure, I've had a idyllic life, but it's not like I've been in a total bubble.
I think I've been pretty Pollyanna to a lot of things. Naivity, optimism, superficial...not sure what to label it as, but there are many important issues that I'm aware of, but never seemed to internalize. Often if it didn't hit close to home, it was difficult for me to connect to.
That's not to say things haven't happened in my life. Especially explicitly yucky things. I have been called names. I have memories of interactions between my dad and random people on the street. Things that have hurt and have clearly stuck.
I don't know exactly how it all worked out. Was it becoming an adult? Was it the fact that issues are more discussed in public spheres? Was it moving to a different context? Was it academia?
Point is, I've been grappling with things that I never seemed to have grappled with and it's confusing. It's terrifying. It's uncomfortable. It's upsetting.
I wonder if I've been in denial thus far. I wonder if it's real. I wonder what I'm meant to do about it. I wonder how I'm supposed to cope.
I've done a lot of reading (and reflecting) on it all. In particular, today's post was spurred on by this article. But I don't to reduce it to just the messages in the article (I mean, I already have some privileges that others don't and thankfully don't experience things that others do). I'd want to link to so many articles, but also don't want those to be interpreted as the ones representing my dilemma. It's a much bigger thing that I'm vaguely discussing here that (to the extent that I've started writing many post like this in the past and then deleted them) I don't want to be misinterpreted (and I still fear that I will be). I don't have the language to articulate it. I often wonder if I don't fully know what I'm dealing with, but I'm perhaps (or, colleagues assure me) I do know, it's just that I might not be able to communicate about it in a way that I would like. Listen to your gut, they say. My problem is that I have self-doubt, am in denial, and/or
I have colleagues who work in certain fields that have a particular and definite perspective about the thoughts that I share with them. I'm not sure if I fully agree with their world-views, but I can't ignore it. I want to take bits and pieces. It's complex. My interpretation of their views is that it's not. (Apologies. That's simplifying it too much - they definitely think it's complex, but the base of the situation seems straightforward.)
Anyway, I'm starting to loose steam. Not sure how to end this post. The doubt is creeping in. I don't want to seem like I'm blaming anyone/anything (although, I also feel the need to pinpoint the "problem" to help me make sense of it all). I don't want to point a finger. I need to be more courageous. Not be so scared to offend. I think for me, it's because I still feel like I'm processing it all that I don't know what kind of stand/message/voice I have.
So yeah. I guess that's that.
