A new chapter

 Coming up with a title for this post took more energy than expected. I decided to just write something and not put too much into it so that I could get to writing the post itself. At the end of the day, coming up with the "best" title probably isn't the most important thing. Coming up with a title that I can live with and getting to actually posting something is more important for me.

I had thought of starting to write/post/blog again in the fall. The fall had marked an "official" new chapter in my life and thought it might be a nice time to start back up again. But it didn't become a priority. Then I thought that January might be a good time to start again. A new year (if following the Gregorian calendar), so another way to mark a new beginning. But it still didn't become a priority. 

Then I kind of thought about March 13th as a date that I would try again. The date in 2020 that things in my world officially shut down due to the COIVD-19 pandemic. A year in and still going. So a date on which to reflect. 

And while the pandemic has been devastating in many ways, I am also grateful. For me, the pandemic resulted in a forced break and distance from some things that were having a very negative impact on me. Without the pandemic, I'm sure I would have managed (because that's just what would have happened), but I'm grateful for the intervention. It was a pause. A stop. An eject. Things had already boiled over, but I just kept going. And I already had some things in place for the fall that I was hoping would help, but getting some relief in March instead was much appreciated.

The initial isolation was fine, well, it was actually good. I rested. I started my recovery. Actually, I'm not sure if I was ready to recover yet, I think I was more at a place of just stopping the damage. The pandemic gave me (personally, and to others) the permission to prioritize myself. Well, it's true that perhaps before the pandemic, had I prioritized myself in my interactions with others, I may have been equally accepted, so it might have been more of a personal issue, but to some extent, I believe that personal dilemma was a result of social conditioning and external pressures. The shut down resulted in a change in my schedule. I also didn't have to face (literally) many of my triggers. And for the most part, I could choose when I wanted to engage. I want to pause here and say that I recognize my privilege and how fortunate I am/was to be in a situation where the pandemic led to these positive implications (including even having a job to begin with).

The pandemic also facilitated better social connections. Ironically, the pandemic led me to be more social. Reaching out to folks to see how they were doing led to setting up Zoom, Skype, Facetime, and Googlemeet chats. I have touched base more regularly with a friend who lives across the country and was a support even before this 6-year journey, but was literally there when I got the first official notification of the move. I have daily check-ins with a friend who has given me such understanding and reassurance during so many new experiences. I have monthly (virtual) get-togethers with a group whom I haven't regularly kept in touch with over the past 6 years. I have weekly get-togethers with a group whom I know will be there for me when I need them. And there are others. In reality, these connections could have been happening before the pandemic, but life just kind of goes the way it does, and again, I'm grateful that the pandemic stepped in to prompt them to occur. While part of me wonders how things would have unfolded if I had acted on these connections earlier, it doesn't matter because we're in the here and now, and I'm so grateful for where I am now. I hope that I continue to take the initiative to reach out and stay connected.

It's pretty clear that I wasn't in a great place for awhile. I'm better now, but I'm not really where I want to be. Pandemic aside, there are still a lot of unknowns about the future, and that's really unsettling for me. 

I've made some (what I feel are pretty significant) decisions that I hope will result in positive change. That being said, they are not decisions that I had wanted or expected to have to make in my life. And while I said earlier that no matter when, I will manage, I've never wanted to be the person who "manages", rather my personal expectation and assumption was to "thrive". What I envisioned "thriving" to look like, isn't really happening (or doesn't seem like a possibility). So we'll see how things will unfold.

It's kind of hard (for me) to revise what almost 40 years of an impression of what "thriving" looks like. But I'm moving forward. I have no choice. Something's happening. I'm trying to find my way. And I'm trying to find myself. From time to time, I notice differences. So those moments are reassuring. Other times can be tough. But generally speaking, I'm doing better. 

So here I am, in a different place (physically, emotionally, mentally...). We'll see what happens next. I'm taking things one day at a time, and learning to be kind to myself. It's/I'm a work in progress.