March 23, 2021

 I just came back from a walk. I haven't been out a lot recently - it just hasn't been a priority. But I'm trying to make it one. As I continue to re-familiarize myself with my surroundings, I'm trying to take different paths (even if going to the same place). I tend to do that anyway (I think I get bored with the same scenery, or put with a positive spin, I'm interested in exploring), but I'm hoping that the more ground I cover, the more settled I'll feel.

I am looking around a lot as I walk. I think more than most people do. I wonder if people notice. Do they wonder why, instead of looking ahead, I'm looking all around. And not even just with my eyes, I know my whole head is moving. It could be that I look like a tourist, but I 'feel' like I've even more extreme. Like, tourists would stop, perhaps take pictures...whereas I'm still moving. Moving but constantly looking. And staring. I suppose I could stop, but I feel like I would be constantly stopping. In some ways I feel like a child. A child who is seeing things for the first time. And I suppose I am seeing a lot of things for the first time. They weren't there the last time I walked these streets. Or they look totally different with this pandemic light. But I feel that I'm not behaving in the socially/culturally accepted way. I am STARING. But I'm ok with that. I mean, I' am clearly thinking about it, but I'm gonna do me. And I'm ok with me.

I walked by a COVID-19 Vaccination Clinic today. It made me feel something (I'm still working on identifying my emotions, and more specifically, developing my vocabulary). I don't know what it looked like inside the building, but there were lines outside. Lines of elderly people. They could have been my grandparents (I wish I had grandparents). Or, actually, my parents (my dad got his first shot two weeks ago, and my mom was supposed to get her first this morning - I'll need to check how that went). Most, if not all of the folks were in pairs. Were they both getting their shots? Was one there for moral support? Was one a caregiver? Were they two people, but going through live together? Some seemed to provide physical support. Those taking slow and tentative steps. Those who needed a hand or an arm. The front-line staff went from person to person, confirming their appointment time...and asking if anyone needed a chair to sit on. Several folks in the line had chairs. Around the corner and down the stairs, was another line for accessible access. More folks with grey and white hair. More folks with stooped backs. More folks with masks. It made me feel a lot of feelings - thinking a lot about the past year. Thinking about the vaccinations that were going on in that building and all around the world. 

I read books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, etc. I watch TV, youtube, movies, etc. I listen to the radio, conversations, etc. But somehow when I see it, really just see it in front of me. That's when I feel the most feels.